September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, a time to shine a light on a difficult topic and remind everyone that it's okay not to be okay. It can feel intimidating to talk about suicide, but starting the conversation is one of the most important steps you can take. If you’re worried about a friend, family member, or coworker, remember that you don't need to be a professional to offer support. What you can offer is your presence, a listening ear, and compassion.
It's natural to feel scared or unsure of what to say. Many of us worry that we'll make the situation worse, say the wrong thing, or simply not be able to handle the weight of the conversation. But the truth is, your courage to speak up can be the lifeline someone desperately needs. The silence around suicide is what allows it to grow. By breaking that silence, you can help someone feel seen, heard, and less alone.
Here are five ways you can start a conversation and help someone feel heard.
1. Ask Directly, and Without Judgment
It might feel awkward, but asking directly is the clearest way to show you’re concerned. You can't plant the idea of suicide in someone's head. In fact, studies show that talking about suicide reduces suicidal ideation by making the person feel understood and cared for.
Instead of saying, "You aren't thinking of doing anything stupid, are you?" try a more open and caring approach:
- "I've been feeling concerned about you lately. Are you thinking about suicide?"
- "Sometimes when people are going through this, they think about ending their life. Have you had thoughts like that?"
This direct approach shows you're not afraid of the topic and gives them permission to be honest. It also helps to normalize the feeling, removing the shame a person might feel about their thoughts.
Recognizing the Signs: When to Ask
Before you even ask the question, it's important to recognize the signs that someone might be in distress. A person may not tell you directly that they are having suicidal thoughts, but they might be sending out subtle or obvious signals. These can include:
- Verbal Cues: Making comments like "I wish I could just disappear," "Everyone would be better off without me," or "I can't go on anymore."
- Behavioral Cues: Withdrawing from friends and family, giving away cherished possessions, increased use of drugs or alcohol, or a sudden change in mood (especially a sudden sense of calm after a period of high anxiety).
- Situational Cues: Experiencing a recent loss, a major life change, or a significant setback.
Trust your gut instinct. If you have a feeling that something is wrong, don't ignore it. It’s better to be wrong than to regret not asking.
2. Listen More Than You Talk
Once you've asked the question, the most important thing you can do is listen. Don't interrupt, offer quick fixes, or say things like, "You have so much to live for." Your goal is to understand their pain, not to minimize it. Let them know you're there for them.
- “Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm here for you.”
- “I can only imagine how difficult that must be. I’m listening.”
Active listening involves paying attention to what they say and how they say it. It shows you value their feelings. This isn't just about hearing their words; it's about validating their pain. By listening without judgment, you are helping to carry their burden, even if just for a little while.
What to Avoid Saying
Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can do more harm than good. Avoid saying things like:
- "Just think of all the people who love you." (This can make them feel guilty and like a burden.)
- "You have so much to live for." (This can invalidate their current pain and make them feel misunderstood.)
- "It's just a phase, you'll get through it." (This minimizes their feelings and can make them feel like you don't believe them.)
Instead, focus on validating their emotions. Use phrases that show you're trying to understand, such as, "That sounds incredibly painful," or "I'm so sorry you're going through this."
3. Emphasize That Help Is Available and Effective
Your role is to connect them with a professional who can provide the right support. You're not expected to have all the answers. Share that there are people who specialize in helping with these kinds of feelings and that talking to someone can make a huge difference.
- "There are people who can help. Would you be willing to call a hotline or therapist together?"
- "This is something a professional can help you with, and you don't have to go through it alone."
You can even offer to help them find a therapist, call a hotline, or drive them to an appointment.
Making the Connection: A Warm Hand-off
Connecting someone to professional help is often the most critical step you can take. If they are willing to accept help, don't just give them a phone number. Instead, consider these steps for a "warm hand-off":
- Call the hotline with them: Offer to sit with them while they make the call, or even make the call yourself and hand the phone over.
- Offer to make an appointment: Help them look up local therapists or wellness centers like Lamco Wellness and offer to schedule the first appointment.
- Drive them: If they are willing, offer to drive them to the appointment so they don't have to worry about transportation.
This level of support can feel overwhelming, but it can be the difference between someone seeking help and giving up.
4. Stay with Them and Create a Safety Plan
If someone tells you they have a plan to harm themselves, do not leave them alone. Stay with them and remove any means of self-harm from their vicinity, such as weapons or pills.
Creating a safety plan is a crucial step. This is a list of steps they can take when they feel overwhelmed. It should include:
- Warning signs: What do they feel, think, or experience when a crisis is starting?
- Internal coping strategies: Things they can do on their own to distract or comfort themselves (e.g., listening to music, taking a walk).
- People and places for distraction: A list of friends, family, or places they can go to get their mind off things.
- Family or friends for help: A list of people they can reach out to in a crisis.
- Professional resources: The phone numbers for a doctor, therapist, or a crisis hotline.
5. Take Care of Yourself, Too
Supporting someone through a crisis is an emotionally draining experience. Remember to take care of your own mental health by debriefing with a friend, talking to a professional, or taking time for yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup.
Supporting a loved one can lead to a type of emotional and physical exhaustion known as compassion fatigue. It's okay to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or sad after these conversations. Your well-being is just as important as theirs.
- Talk to a professional: Consider speaking with a therapist yourself to process what you experienced.
- Set boundaries: It’s okay to set boundaries. You can say, "I can talk for another 15 minutes, but then I need to get some rest."
- Lean on your support system: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what you're going through. You don't have to carry this burden alone either.
If you're ever in doubt about what to do, remember that calling one of these numbers is always an option. Your willingness to reach out and start the conversation could be the lifeline someone needs.
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call or Text 988
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741